Thursday, June 20, 2013

Book Love

Besides running/gym time, another hobby of mine is reading. I have a few authors that I love to follow. I also have about 3 big piles of books I've picked up over the months that I need to get through. But then my faves will come out with a new book and I'll have 3 coming in from the library at once and new releases are usually just a 7 day check out.

I am trying to get through the newest Harlen Coben book, Six Years. It sounds SOOOOO good. yet, I can't read it in just 7 days. Grrrr. I have to keep returning it and reserving it again.

One of my newest faves, Chevy Stevens has a book that just came out on Tuesday. If you have not read her stuff yet and love thrillers, I highly reccomend her other 2 books. The newest is called Always Watching.

Another series I love is a series by Linda Castillio. It's an Amish crime series. The 4th book was just released and I am anxiously awaiting it to come into my library for me! Hers are books I can generally read in a weekend.

For the record, I can not get into my 5 AM gym groove anymore because I love to stay up late and read my books and watch The Big Bang Theory.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Results

I realized I never came back to update this. 2 weeks ago was the WORST day of my life so far. I got to the clinic and upon check in the receptionist asked for my ID and said, I know who wants to sit in as someone else for their mammo, but there are strange people out there. And then she wished me luck. Ugh. that's a little unnerving.

When I got in they showed me the pictures from the mammo I'd had that Tuesday. There it was, clear as a bell. A bean sized lump. My heart sank. She got me ready and took 2 more pictures on the left side. I could see them in a reflection in a picture on the wall behind her computer. I saw the spot again and just felt like.... ugh. My son. what will my son do without me to help raise him? That is the thought that ran through my head over and over. How will he remember me? Have I been a good enough mom? How will my friends and family remember me?

I was then taken for an ultrasound. It ended up being more like 3 different ultrasounds as they started exploring the lymph nodes of my arm pit. That made me feel very edgy. I know that the statistics for Breast Cancer are more in my favor now, but lymph nodes? That is not a good thing...... The Dr. came in at this point, and I have to say that between him and the ultrasound tech I had the BEST care possible. They were both so calming and honest with me. They made me feel as comfortable as possible. And for that I will be forever grateful!

The Doc decided he needed to biopsy this lump. and that about set me over the edge. Wasn't this just supposed to be a quick check up? an hour at most? at this point I'd been there for almost 2 hours and my anxiety was at an all time high. It took them about 20 miutes to get the paper work and the room ready. The proceedure itself took maybe a half hour at most. I was numbed up and then they had to paper punch some samples and put a clip in. Then I had ONE more picture taken. My head hurt at this point. and the worst, I wouldn't get the results until the next morning.

I tried my hardest to keep a clear head about me. To not let my mind wander, but it was really hard. I'd be fine one minute and then the next wondering how I was going to tell everyone if it came back positive.

9:15 on the nose on Friday June 7th. The Dr called me and said that my path report had him grinning from ear to ear. It was CLEAR!!!! whahoo!!!!!! He and I both had this sinking feeling it was going to come back positive, so this was the most wonderful news ever!!!!!!!!!

I spent that afternoon running games at Will's school carnival and then had 3 close friends come over and we celebrated my good news with some wine.

I felt sore and bruised for a good week and a half after. I started running again that Monday and that worked, but was a tad painful. So, mostly I have recovered except a little scarring from where the Dr. made incisions. The mental and emotional wounds though, are still here and I think I got so freaked out that it's taking me a while to work through everything.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Getting Things into Perspective

I am a gym rat, I'll be the first to admit. I've relaxed in the last year or so, but I am still fairly diligent about getting there at least 5 times a week. My diet is good 80% of the time, I call this all a win.

Until, I got a call yesterday. My mom had breast cancer 3 years ago. Her mom also had it when I was a kid. So, with the family history, once I hit 35 I had to start having preventative mammograms. I went in on this past Tuesday for my 2nd one. In reality, they're not that bad. Uncomfortable, yes, but its worth it to make sure you're healthy.

Last year I remember feeling a little anxious, but mostly because I didn't know what to expect. I got my letter of clearance the next day. This time, I felt really anxious, almost like White Coat syndrom that makes your blood pressure go up. not even 24 hours later, I got a call from the nurse. The left side is looking funny, so we need to take more pictures and do an ultra sound. Try not to freak out, its just precautionary.

Yeah, try as I might, this has scared the hell out of me. I keep thinking abuot my son growing up without his mom. How would he remember me? As a grouchy mom who yells alot? As a fun mom who took him places and was always at his sports and scouts? How would my friends remember me? It was so awful..... you really can not jump the gun. You have to try and breathe deep.

But, I decided I needed to forego the gym last night and get my kid right from school. Hug him. Love him. Kiss him. and take him to the park. I have to go in in an hour for my follow up. I am not going to lie. I feel sick and am shaking with nerves...... Stay tuned. I hope to come back with good news!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

My Story

WOW! I haven't written in several months! Currently, I just finished another bootcamp session in which I was down another 4lbs and a bunch of inches. I like that!

I decided it was time to relive my story. I didn't get this fitness bug from no where, ya know?

As a kid I was slender. NEVER athletic. I stayed slim simply by breathing. Ahhh the good old days. Shortly after that monumental 21st birthday I started packing on the lbs. We're talking going from 119 lbs to 180lbs. In a matter of months. While I was out having fun all the time, it was also a very sad time. I hated seeing my double chin when I looked in the mirror. I hated wearing shorts and tank tops because my arms and legs got huge. I put on the weight so quickly, that I also started getting terrible heart burn and other health issues I'd never dealt with before. I felt puffy and uncomfortable all the time. And lets not mention all the cute clothes I had that didn't fit anymore.

My life was massive chaos. I was unhappy, partying a lot, making bad decisions..... (like loads of cheeseburgers and mac n cheese daily at bartime) In 2001, I made the decision to leave the town I had been living in for several years. A town I loved and was going to miss terribly. My friends I would miss terribly. Having my family 30 minutes away, I would also miss terribly. But I knew that all around I needed to make changes. I took a job in a very small town about an hour and a half from where I lived. I moved in with a guy I'd been dating just a short time. He worked funny hours. I knew no one. I took this as a chance to pop in some of my old workout videos I'd kept for years. Yes, people, I am talking about a Cher dancercise video, and 2 Cindy Crawford videos (Note: years later, I would trade in the Cindy VHS for DVDs. I still do these on occasion. That's how much I love these videos!) I also took this as an opportunity to explore my new dwelings. I went power walking most days.

Eventually, I met a nice group of people at work. I also ditched the boyfriend, and moved out on my own. A few of my new friends walked everynight, so I invited myself to join them. And when summer turned to winter, we got memberships at a gym, but only used the cardio equiptment. But, in a matter of months, I'd dropped 30 lbs! I also stopped eating most fast food, and really watching my calories. Dropping 30 lbs felt wonderful! I was back into a size 10 and feeling so much better about myself.

Around this same time, I'd met someone who lived 3 hours away and I knew the relationship was going places. I finally felt like I was in a good place, both mentally and physically. I could give so much more to this relationship. I took a gamble and applied for a transfer within my company. And it worked! I moved 3 hours away where I did know at least 2 other people (long time friends) and the guy I was dating. Once I got here, I knew how to keep my weight loss going. We walked daily. Several miles. It was so wonderful! Eventually, we moved into a condo that had a fitness club. There I discovered lifting weights. I'd started subscribing to fitness mags, and I'd tear out the workouts I liked and take them with. I also started running. I did the couch to 5k program and couldn't believe the difference in how I felt. I continued to work on my diet, but lets be real. I still loved my beer, and tacos. So, I tried to be good 80% of the time and splurge on the weekends. Eventually, I was at a plateau. I joined Weight Watchers at work and dropped 20 more lbs. I had more muscle than I knew what to do with. And I LOVED it! I was in a size of clothing I never thought possible, even at my tinest before. And most importantly I felt good. I'd made lots of positive changes, I'd also just gotten married (to the guy who lived 3 hours away). When we went to Vegas for our first anniversary, you bet your bottom dollar I rocked that bikini!

My weight gain/losses are evolving. When I became pregnant with my son I went hog wild and gained almost 60 lbs (BACK!) I was on bedrest because I'd gained so much weight that my bloodpressure was all over the place. Bed rest is no fun. I worked out until my doc put me on modified bed rest and I wasn't allowed to go to the gym (yeah, I worked out, but I also ate for 25). For someone who had been active prior to bed  rest, having to lay there and be bored and watch more reruns of Full House and 90210 than anyone ever should, I felt like I was going out of my mind! Bored, and lazy. I couldn't even go to the library to get a stack of books to read. My husband had to get them. Ugh.

Alas, a wonderful little boy was born and it was all worth it. I peeled that weight off as soon as I could. And there have been changes to my body. There have been ups and downs. It's a never ending journey. I feel mad that I had to take it in the first place, but at the same time I've come so far and learned what's health and what's not. I've learned about balance and deprivation. I've become a healthy role model for my son. and I think, over all, that's right up there with being healthy, myself.