Getting down and dirty

Day 2. it's going much better than I thought. And I'm doing a lot of reflecting. I really REALLY hope I can stay on this path because it feels so good. And I am so lucky to have my 2 childhood best friends along side me in all of this. So, a couple of things that I could easily break into 2 posts, but won't. 1. One thing I have decided I HAVE to stop instantly is my social smoking. I used to be a heavy smoker until we decided it was time to have kids. After Will was born I'd buy a pack here and there, and once I started going out with my friends I'd bring the smokes along. If I am drinking I crave a cigarette. But I feel like shit for days after. Even if I've had only a couple of beers. I will still sit and chain smoke. I can't do it. I really hope my son doesn't pick up this habit because it really is a gross one. Not only the smell of smoke, or smoker's breath, but the health affects that it leaves. So, I gave the rest of my pack to Brett and said give these away to someone at work (who is not at the point of quitting. And they're so expensive, I don't want them to go to waste. OOOhhhh the irony!) 2. if you take workout classes what do you look for in an instructor? For the most part, the instructors at my gym are awesome. Today, though I was less than impressed with the spin instructor. To the point of I almost got up and left. She was almost 10 minutes late. WHAT THE FRIG! class starts at 8 and you should be there ready to go by 10 to in my book. Then after sauntering in late instead of getting going, it's a few minutes of slowly getting the music on, getting her bike ready... ect. If it were me I would have started class while getting my own self set up. I had to be done by 8:45 when the class was scheduled to be over, so I left "early" and felt like I kind of got the side eye from her for doing so. I wanted to get in my abs and then get out of there by 9 so we could get ready for Will's basket ball game. Things I look for in an instructor: BEING ON TIME! Being energetic. Knowing your stuff. Sticking with the format. This spin chick had us getting off the bike to do squats. Ok, it's a cardio day I don't want to do lunges and squats. I did them yesterday. I am HERE TO SPIN! I don't usually feel so irritated, but that really got on my nerves today. Ugh, here's to tomorrow. It's REST day!!!

Welcome to 2015

Its January 1! Insane. Last year went by in the blink of an eye!!!! We celebrated by having a family dinner at our favorite Mexican joint here in West Allis. I have been making small cuts here and there over the past week to be ready for the BIG change that's going to happen beginning on Monday. So, I ordered the tacos. They're small-ish. I get ground beef and then it comes with some lettuce, tomatoes and cheese on it. Like a real little bit. I add on just a small amount of Guace and sour cream. I also order the rice because it is OH SO YUMMY. So, it comes with 3. I ate 1.5 and took the rest home. No soda, just water. then we had some friends in for Charades and other games. It was fun, but our kids were all WILLLLDDDDD! That made me a bit nutty, but we still had fun. Everyone was out by 12:30, and I got Will into bed and then read for an hour. Brett had a case of the snores last night. lovely. So I did end up heading down to the couch for some proper sleep, and I slept until 8 am. No thanks to my dog who was mad he had to be kenneled Wed night because there was just too much chaos for him to be milling around. So, at 7:40 he was barking like a maniac. Will slept until 9:30 and Brett until 10. We have had a LAZY day. We got our tree taken down, and lots of cleaning. Then we cheered on the Badgers and then went out for our final burger for a long time. I've decided to challenge myself to NO pizza and NO fast food for 30 days. I know we have a school fundraiser night at a sub place, so we'll do that in a few weeks, and we have dinner plans at a restaurant, not McDonald's. I can do this! I am also off the soda wagon too. I have been just drinking a ton of water, using my soda stream about once a day, and having my coffee with skim milk in the am. Tomorrow, Will and I are meeting a friend of his so they can run around for the day, but when we're done, Trader Joes, here we come!!!!! I have plans to make some good, lean meats for dinner, along with veggies or something. That's my goal, low cal and healthy. Here's to MY year!

AHHHH 2015 is almost here! And its going to be MY YEAR!

It has been a hot minute since I've blogged in any capacity. And this past year has been one filled with scale struggles. I started off just feeling awful about how I looked and how I felt. I wanted to revamp my diet. I know this is where I lack. I can workout for as long as I want, but then when I come home and eat pizza that ruins anything I've done at the gym. Balance. I lack it. I want it. I felt like I needed to start counting calories. So I did that, but then by the evening I was over logging everything I ate. Finally, in May I met with the dietitian at my gym. I consider her my food therapist. I had been researching all of these different ways to lose weight. and one was called if it fits your macros. SO.MUCH.WORK. I want something simple. I am ok with tracking and counting calories, but I need simplicity. Anything beyond that leads me to feel guilt and like its a chore. Being healthy is work, but it doesn't need to be nearly as hard as we make it. My year has been up and down on the scale. Until I stopped caring and stopped weighing myself. Then I got the bright idea that I needed to check in with the old scale. It was not pretty. In fact, I as up 10 lbs from the summer. Ugh. However, I didn't feel the defeat and guilt I normally would have. I decided that I can't go on this way. I NEED to make changes. That next week I was at the zoo walking in my fat pants that are tight when the zipper popped open. Ugh, then I felt the defeat and sadness. I did this to myself. I need to make changes. I found myself pulling out old MATERNITY sweat pants and lounging in them all night long. It was horrible. I called my best friend and we had a long talk. She recently lost a good chunk of weight herself. Her secret? It wasn't that hard. She made herself more aware of eating low cal foods and cutting back portions. I need to do that. So, starting tomorrow, that's what is going to happen. I've been losely working on it so far, but I need to make some BIG changes. if I don't my weight will become really out of control and before I know it, well, it won't be pretty. My plan: My childhood friends, my mom and I are starting our own weight loss support group. Think weight watchers, only we're not counting points. We'er making changes! I feel like for the last 8 years I've done nothing but bitch about my weight. I can't anymore. I want to just cut portions, watch calories and LOSE. I want to be a big OLE LOSER!!! On Monday I'll take my before pics, weight and measurements Ugh. Nothing worse than having to tell your mom what you weigh! But it has to happen. It just does! Here's to 2015!

Tough Love

There comes a time when you need to just get tough with yourself. For me, I work out regularly and I work out hard. I run usually 3 miles on the tredmill, with a longer run of 5 miles or more once a week. I lift weights, I do crazy workouts. My scale is barely budging. They say abs are made in the kitchen, right? Well, mine certainly are. I've been living on pizza this summer, and I've gone out drinking more than I have in a long time. Oh and I refused to step on the scale. Not weighing yourself can be good in some regards, but for me I need to weigh in. Sure my clothes fit fine, but I am not at my goal weight yet so I need to keep checking in. I haven't weighed myself since early June. After my last weigh in, I went in for that Mammo that came back with a lump. So, that set off a week of emotional eating, not caring and not exercising. I think I ate pizza every day that week. No joke. When I got my results back, I sat up drinking wine and beer and celebrating. Then hitting up McDonald's the next day. barf. I never stepped on the scale again after that. Recently, I've felt more jiggly and bloated. My clothes feel fine, but I don't if that makes sense. I've been trying to keep a healthy diet this summer, but then ice cream ends up in my hands, and I get the urge for some pizza so we go with it.... I've been enjoying the "good" things too often this summer. And I need to reign it in! I can't let my son's diet be this out of control, or I will be to blame if he becomes over weight. He is young yet so it is still up to me to make sure he's eating well. Mostly, he does but he enjoys gatorade way too often. He enjoys concession stand food a little too much ( we lived at the ball park this summer for Little League). I've reached my breaking point. I have decided I need to instill tough love on myself. This means that every morning, not weekly, not monthly.... EVERY morning, I have to weigh my self. I am paying too much money for the gym to not see any results. I am working out to the point that I should see results. For me it is ALL my diet. So, I'm making changes to my diet to include, pizza no more than 1 time every other week (I'd like to say once a month, but lets be realistic. Pizza is a staple to me. ha ha!)Ice cream has to be a occasional treat. Its time to hit the Farmer's Market and get more fresh veggies and fruits into out bellies. I thought about getting up an hour earlier and adding in an additional 30 minute workout DVD, but I struggle with that. For so many years, I was up at 4:30 in order to be at the gym and on the treadmill by 5 am. I think I burned myself out on that. And honestly, I like stying up late to read, or watch tv or whatever the case may be. So, I hopped on the scale today for my day one weigh in. What do you know..... I haven't gained ONE lb. So, this just goes to show that you FEEL so much better when you're eating well and not living on pizza and ice cream, as I have been. I want to be realistic about this, I love pizza. I have an excellent home made recipe that is much healthier than ordering from a pizza place. Ok, so if I want pizza, make it at home. I try to eat healthy vs clean. Clean is fine, but there are some foods that I just want to eat and don't want to eliminate. I try and keep the sugar count low, the whole grain count high, fat and calories to a minimum. I've been using several resourses such as clean-ish recipes on pinterest and things like that.... So, here's to turning a new leaf. Hopefully, by the end of the year I am where I want to be or much closer to it!!

Book Love

Besides running/gym time, another hobby of mine is reading. I have a few authors that I love to follow. I also have about 3 big piles of books I've picked up over the months that I need to get through. But then my faves will come out with a new book and I'll have 3 coming in from the library at once and new releases are usually just a 7 day check out.

I am trying to get through the newest Harlen Coben book, Six Years. It sounds SOOOOO good. yet, I can't read it in just 7 days. Grrrr. I have to keep returning it and reserving it again.

One of my newest faves, Chevy Stevens has a book that just came out on Tuesday. If you have not read her stuff yet and love thrillers, I highly reccomend her other 2 books. The newest is called Always Watching.

Another series I love is a series by Linda Castillio. It's an Amish crime series. The 4th book was just released and I am anxiously awaiting it to come into my library for me! Hers are books I can generally read in a weekend.

For the record, I can not get into my 5 AM gym groove anymore because I love to stay up late and read my books and watch The Big Bang Theory.

The Results

I realized I never came back to update this. 2 weeks ago was the WORST day of my life so far. I got to the clinic and upon check in the receptionist asked for my ID and said, I know who wants to sit in as someone else for their mammo, but there are strange people out there. And then she wished me luck. Ugh. that's a little unnerving.

When I got in they showed me the pictures from the mammo I'd had that Tuesday. There it was, clear as a bell. A bean sized lump. My heart sank. She got me ready and took 2 more pictures on the left side. I could see them in a reflection in a picture on the wall behind her computer. I saw the spot again and just felt like.... ugh. My son. what will my son do without me to help raise him? That is the thought that ran through my head over and over. How will he remember me? Have I been a good enough mom? How will my friends and family remember me?

I was then taken for an ultrasound. It ended up being more like 3 different ultrasounds as they started exploring the lymph nodes of my arm pit. That made me feel very edgy. I know that the statistics for Breast Cancer are more in my favor now, but lymph nodes? That is not a good thing...... The Dr. came in at this point, and I have to say that between him and the ultrasound tech I had the BEST care possible. They were both so calming and honest with me. They made me feel as comfortable as possible. And for that I will be forever grateful!

The Doc decided he needed to biopsy this lump. and that about set me over the edge. Wasn't this just supposed to be a quick check up? an hour at most? at this point I'd been there for almost 2 hours and my anxiety was at an all time high. It took them about 20 miutes to get the paper work and the room ready. The proceedure itself took maybe a half hour at most. I was numbed up and then they had to paper punch some samples and put a clip in. Then I had ONE more picture taken. My head hurt at this point. and the worst, I wouldn't get the results until the next morning.

I tried my hardest to keep a clear head about me. To not let my mind wander, but it was really hard. I'd be fine one minute and then the next wondering how I was going to tell everyone if it came back positive.

9:15 on the nose on Friday June 7th. The Dr called me and said that my path report had him grinning from ear to ear. It was CLEAR!!!! whahoo!!!!!! He and I both had this sinking feeling it was going to come back positive, so this was the most wonderful news ever!!!!!!!!!

I spent that afternoon running games at Will's school carnival and then had 3 close friends come over and we celebrated my good news with some wine.

I felt sore and bruised for a good week and a half after. I started running again that Monday and that worked, but was a tad painful. So, mostly I have recovered except a little scarring from where the Dr. made incisions. The mental and emotional wounds though, are still here and I think I got so freaked out that it's taking me a while to work through everything.

Getting Things into Perspective

I am a gym rat, I'll be the first to admit. I've relaxed in the last year or so, but I am still fairly diligent about getting there at least 5 times a week. My diet is good 80% of the time, I call this all a win.

Until, I got a call yesterday. My mom had breast cancer 3 years ago. Her mom also had it when I was a kid. So, with the family history, once I hit 35 I had to start having preventative mammograms. I went in on this past Tuesday for my 2nd one. In reality, they're not that bad. Uncomfortable, yes, but its worth it to make sure you're healthy.

Last year I remember feeling a little anxious, but mostly because I didn't know what to expect. I got my letter of clearance the next day. This time, I felt really anxious, almost like White Coat syndrom that makes your blood pressure go up. not even 24 hours later, I got a call from the nurse. The left side is looking funny, so we need to take more pictures and do an ultra sound. Try not to freak out, its just precautionary.

Yeah, try as I might, this has scared the hell out of me. I keep thinking abuot my son growing up without his mom. How would he remember me? As a grouchy mom who yells alot? As a fun mom who took him places and was always at his sports and scouts? How would my friends remember me? It was so awful..... you really can not jump the gun. You have to try and breathe deep.

But, I decided I needed to forego the gym last night and get my kid right from school. Hug him. Love him. Kiss him. and take him to the park. I have to go in in an hour for my follow up. I am not going to lie. I feel sick and am shaking with nerves...... Stay tuned. I hope to come back with good news!