Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Tough Love

There comes a time when you need to just get tough with yourself. For me, I work out regularly and I work out hard. I run usually 3 miles on the tredmill, with a longer run of 5 miles or more once a week. I lift weights, I do crazy workouts. My scale is barely budging. They say abs are made in the kitchen, right? Well, mine certainly are. I've been living on pizza this summer, and I've gone out drinking more than I have in a long time. Oh and I refused to step on the scale. Not weighing yourself can be good in some regards, but for me I need to weigh in. Sure my clothes fit fine, but I am not at my goal weight yet so I need to keep checking in. I haven't weighed myself since early June. After my last weigh in, I went in for that Mammo that came back with a lump. So, that set off a week of emotional eating, not caring and not exercising. I think I ate pizza every day that week. No joke. When I got my results back, I sat up drinking wine and beer and celebrating. Then hitting up McDonald's the next day. barf. I never stepped on the scale again after that. Recently, I've felt more jiggly and bloated. My clothes feel fine, but I don't if that makes sense. I've been trying to keep a healthy diet this summer, but then ice cream ends up in my hands, and I get the urge for some pizza so we go with it.... I've been enjoying the "good" things too often this summer. And I need to reign it in! I can't let my son's diet be this out of control, or I will be to blame if he becomes over weight. He is young yet so it is still up to me to make sure he's eating well. Mostly, he does but he enjoys gatorade way too often. He enjoys concession stand food a little too much ( we lived at the ball park this summer for Little League). I've reached my breaking point. I have decided I need to instill tough love on myself. This means that every morning, not weekly, not monthly.... EVERY morning, I have to weigh my self. I am paying too much money for the gym to not see any results. I am working out to the point that I should see results. For me it is ALL my diet. So, I'm making changes to my diet to include, pizza no more than 1 time every other week (I'd like to say once a month, but lets be realistic. Pizza is a staple to me. ha ha!)Ice cream has to be a occasional treat. Its time to hit the Farmer's Market and get more fresh veggies and fruits into out bellies. I thought about getting up an hour earlier and adding in an additional 30 minute workout DVD, but I struggle with that. For so many years, I was up at 4:30 in order to be at the gym and on the treadmill by 5 am. I think I burned myself out on that. And honestly, I like stying up late to read, or watch tv or whatever the case may be. So, I hopped on the scale today for my day one weigh in. What do you know..... I haven't gained ONE lb. So, this just goes to show that you FEEL so much better when you're eating well and not living on pizza and ice cream, as I have been. I want to be realistic about this, I love pizza. I have an excellent home made recipe that is much healthier than ordering from a pizza place. Ok, so if I want pizza, make it at home. I try to eat healthy vs clean. Clean is fine, but there are some foods that I just want to eat and don't want to eliminate. I try and keep the sugar count low, the whole grain count high, fat and calories to a minimum. I've been using several resourses such as clean-ish recipes on pinterest and things like that.... So, here's to turning a new leaf. Hopefully, by the end of the year I am where I want to be or much closer to it!!

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Book Love

Besides running/gym time, another hobby of mine is reading. I have a few authors that I love to follow. I also have about 3 big piles of books I've picked up over the months that I need to get through. But then my faves will come out with a new book and I'll have 3 coming in from the library at once and new releases are usually just a 7 day check out.

I am trying to get through the newest Harlen Coben book, Six Years. It sounds SOOOOO good. yet, I can't read it in just 7 days. Grrrr. I have to keep returning it and reserving it again.

One of my newest faves, Chevy Stevens has a book that just came out on Tuesday. If you have not read her stuff yet and love thrillers, I highly reccomend her other 2 books. The newest is called Always Watching.

Another series I love is a series by Linda Castillio. It's an Amish crime series. The 4th book was just released and I am anxiously awaiting it to come into my library for me! Hers are books I can generally read in a weekend.

For the record, I can not get into my 5 AM gym groove anymore because I love to stay up late and read my books and watch The Big Bang Theory.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Results

I realized I never came back to update this. 2 weeks ago was the WORST day of my life so far. I got to the clinic and upon check in the receptionist asked for my ID and said, I know who wants to sit in as someone else for their mammo, but there are strange people out there. And then she wished me luck. Ugh. that's a little unnerving.

When I got in they showed me the pictures from the mammo I'd had that Tuesday. There it was, clear as a bell. A bean sized lump. My heart sank. She got me ready and took 2 more pictures on the left side. I could see them in a reflection in a picture on the wall behind her computer. I saw the spot again and just felt like.... ugh. My son. what will my son do without me to help raise him? That is the thought that ran through my head over and over. How will he remember me? Have I been a good enough mom? How will my friends and family remember me?

I was then taken for an ultrasound. It ended up being more like 3 different ultrasounds as they started exploring the lymph nodes of my arm pit. That made me feel very edgy. I know that the statistics for Breast Cancer are more in my favor now, but lymph nodes? That is not a good thing...... The Dr. came in at this point, and I have to say that between him and the ultrasound tech I had the BEST care possible. They were both so calming and honest with me. They made me feel as comfortable as possible. And for that I will be forever grateful!

The Doc decided he needed to biopsy this lump. and that about set me over the edge. Wasn't this just supposed to be a quick check up? an hour at most? at this point I'd been there for almost 2 hours and my anxiety was at an all time high. It took them about 20 miutes to get the paper work and the room ready. The proceedure itself took maybe a half hour at most. I was numbed up and then they had to paper punch some samples and put a clip in. Then I had ONE more picture taken. My head hurt at this point. and the worst, I wouldn't get the results until the next morning.

I tried my hardest to keep a clear head about me. To not let my mind wander, but it was really hard. I'd be fine one minute and then the next wondering how I was going to tell everyone if it came back positive.

9:15 on the nose on Friday June 7th. The Dr called me and said that my path report had him grinning from ear to ear. It was CLEAR!!!! whahoo!!!!!! He and I both had this sinking feeling it was going to come back positive, so this was the most wonderful news ever!!!!!!!!!

I spent that afternoon running games at Will's school carnival and then had 3 close friends come over and we celebrated my good news with some wine.

I felt sore and bruised for a good week and a half after. I started running again that Monday and that worked, but was a tad painful. So, mostly I have recovered except a little scarring from where the Dr. made incisions. The mental and emotional wounds though, are still here and I think I got so freaked out that it's taking me a while to work through everything.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Getting Things into Perspective

I am a gym rat, I'll be the first to admit. I've relaxed in the last year or so, but I am still fairly diligent about getting there at least 5 times a week. My diet is good 80% of the time, I call this all a win.

Until, I got a call yesterday. My mom had breast cancer 3 years ago. Her mom also had it when I was a kid. So, with the family history, once I hit 35 I had to start having preventative mammograms. I went in on this past Tuesday for my 2nd one. In reality, they're not that bad. Uncomfortable, yes, but its worth it to make sure you're healthy.

Last year I remember feeling a little anxious, but mostly because I didn't know what to expect. I got my letter of clearance the next day. This time, I felt really anxious, almost like White Coat syndrom that makes your blood pressure go up. not even 24 hours later, I got a call from the nurse. The left side is looking funny, so we need to take more pictures and do an ultra sound. Try not to freak out, its just precautionary.

Yeah, try as I might, this has scared the hell out of me. I keep thinking abuot my son growing up without his mom. How would he remember me? As a grouchy mom who yells alot? As a fun mom who took him places and was always at his sports and scouts? How would my friends remember me? It was so awful..... you really can not jump the gun. You have to try and breathe deep.

But, I decided I needed to forego the gym last night and get my kid right from school. Hug him. Love him. Kiss him. and take him to the park. I have to go in in an hour for my follow up. I am not going to lie. I feel sick and am shaking with nerves...... Stay tuned. I hope to come back with good news!

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

My Story

WOW! I haven't written in several months! Currently, I just finished another bootcamp session in which I was down another 4lbs and a bunch of inches. I like that!

I decided it was time to relive my story. I didn't get this fitness bug from no where, ya know?

As a kid I was slender. NEVER athletic. I stayed slim simply by breathing. Ahhh the good old days. Shortly after that monumental 21st birthday I started packing on the lbs. We're talking going from 119 lbs to 180lbs. In a matter of months. While I was out having fun all the time, it was also a very sad time. I hated seeing my double chin when I looked in the mirror. I hated wearing shorts and tank tops because my arms and legs got huge. I put on the weight so quickly, that I also started getting terrible heart burn and other health issues I'd never dealt with before. I felt puffy and uncomfortable all the time. And lets not mention all the cute clothes I had that didn't fit anymore.

My life was massive chaos. I was unhappy, partying a lot, making bad decisions..... (like loads of cheeseburgers and mac n cheese daily at bartime) In 2001, I made the decision to leave the town I had been living in for several years. A town I loved and was going to miss terribly. My friends I would miss terribly. Having my family 30 minutes away, I would also miss terribly. But I knew that all around I needed to make changes. I took a job in a very small town about an hour and a half from where I lived. I moved in with a guy I'd been dating just a short time. He worked funny hours. I knew no one. I took this as a chance to pop in some of my old workout videos I'd kept for years. Yes, people, I am talking about a Cher dancercise video, and 2 Cindy Crawford videos (Note: years later, I would trade in the Cindy VHS for DVDs. I still do these on occasion. That's how much I love these videos!) I also took this as an opportunity to explore my new dwelings. I went power walking most days.

Eventually, I met a nice group of people at work. I also ditched the boyfriend, and moved out on my own. A few of my new friends walked everynight, so I invited myself to join them. And when summer turned to winter, we got memberships at a gym, but only used the cardio equiptment. But, in a matter of months, I'd dropped 30 lbs! I also stopped eating most fast food, and really watching my calories. Dropping 30 lbs felt wonderful! I was back into a size 10 and feeling so much better about myself.

Around this same time, I'd met someone who lived 3 hours away and I knew the relationship was going places. I finally felt like I was in a good place, both mentally and physically. I could give so much more to this relationship. I took a gamble and applied for a transfer within my company. And it worked! I moved 3 hours away where I did know at least 2 other people (long time friends) and the guy I was dating. Once I got here, I knew how to keep my weight loss going. We walked daily. Several miles. It was so wonderful! Eventually, we moved into a condo that had a fitness club. There I discovered lifting weights. I'd started subscribing to fitness mags, and I'd tear out the workouts I liked and take them with. I also started running. I did the couch to 5k program and couldn't believe the difference in how I felt. I continued to work on my diet, but lets be real. I still loved my beer, and tacos. So, I tried to be good 80% of the time and splurge on the weekends. Eventually, I was at a plateau. I joined Weight Watchers at work and dropped 20 more lbs. I had more muscle than I knew what to do with. And I LOVED it! I was in a size of clothing I never thought possible, even at my tinest before. And most importantly I felt good. I'd made lots of positive changes, I'd also just gotten married (to the guy who lived 3 hours away). When we went to Vegas for our first anniversary, you bet your bottom dollar I rocked that bikini!

My weight gain/losses are evolving. When I became pregnant with my son I went hog wild and gained almost 60 lbs (BACK!) I was on bedrest because I'd gained so much weight that my bloodpressure was all over the place. Bed rest is no fun. I worked out until my doc put me on modified bed rest and I wasn't allowed to go to the gym (yeah, I worked out, but I also ate for 25). For someone who had been active prior to bed  rest, having to lay there and be bored and watch more reruns of Full House and 90210 than anyone ever should, I felt like I was going out of my mind! Bored, and lazy. I couldn't even go to the library to get a stack of books to read. My husband had to get them. Ugh.

Alas, a wonderful little boy was born and it was all worth it. I peeled that weight off as soon as I could. And there have been changes to my body. There have been ups and downs. It's a never ending journey. I feel mad that I had to take it in the first place, but at the same time I've come so far and learned what's health and what's not. I've learned about balance and deprivation. I've become a healthy role model for my son. and I think, over all, that's right up there with being healthy, myself.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Today is looking up

For starters, my tail bone feels so much better. I have been moving up and down the stairs with only minimal fears of falling.

I worked out after work. Will and I have been shut in's since last Wed, with the exception of his dr appt friday and me going to hang out with my music friends and watch a show Fri night. Oh, and I did take a class on Sunday. Regardless, we're usually out and about way more. Will is fully recovered and needed to burn some energy. We went to tthe gym. I did a 30 minute bike ride on the recumbent bike and lifted weights. Will went to the kid gym and horsed around.

Today, we got a new water heater. Which means HOT WATER! I can shower at home. We can do laundy and wash dishes!!! I tried to take a whore's bath in the sink yesterday, kind of. I tried to wash my hair and the water was so cold it gave me a headache.

Today, life feels much better. Much more back to normal.

I have bootcamp tonight. I can't wait. Exercise is one thing that keeps me sane! Missing more than half my week's workouts over the last week was not good. So, I am just keeping my head up and forging ahead.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Well, I was on track.

Here's the problem with starting the new year off fresh and getting my 5 days a week workouts in: THE FLU HITS. and not me. but my son. So, I am home taking care of him. Brett is working. I can't escape to the gym for my normal workouts, but I am also not the one who is sick. So I sit around and snack. And tomorrow is my weigh in for bootcamp. I'd wanted to be down about 5 more lbs from where we left off and now I doubt that's happened.

And to make matters worse, it's been about the shittiest of shitty weekends. Will is sick, but that's not the worst of it. The worst is they put him on Tamiflu and he reacted terribly to it. Yesterday he was 95% improved, no symptoms in over 24 hours. So I call the useless nurse advisor line and ask if I can stop this as it's making him worse when he is clearly better. She got all high and mighty with me, talking me in circles about having it flavored so the taste won't bother him. OK THAT IS NOT MY QUESTION OR PROBLEM! He took it down, the problem is his body totally rejected it and he'd throw it back up. So he wasn't getting any of the benefits anyway. This woman had me on the phone for 35 minutes and then her advice was a hostile, well you just have to do what you're most comfortable with. I said, well I don't know what that is. That's why I am calling you for answers. She launched into this speech about the taste again. OK, I am not talking about the taste! I finally just said, I am hanging up with you now. I am calling my mom who is a nurse and she can probably give me more logical advice. Thank you. Nightmare 1.

Nightmare 2. The water heater decided to end its life and flood the basement on Sat. Not terribly, but enough that it was annoying. So, Brett went to Sears (put on your Sunday best, kids. We're going to Sears!) and got us a new one. Under the guarentee it would be here, installed today. Yeah. That guarentee fell through because whoever they contracted it out to had a death in the family and can't do it until tomorrow. So then it becomes OUR responsibility to call and find someone?? what shit is that!!! Anywho.... I was able to deal. Until this morning....

Nightmare 3: Mind you we have not had any hot water since Saturday night. The vomiting has stopped and that laundry was all done. Then this morning, I was carrying my contacts to the bathroom downstairs that has running (even if its cold) water, and I could brush my teeth and put my eyes on. Yeah. I fell down the entire flight of stairs. My tailbone and my head hurt so badly right now, all I want to do is crawl back into bed and cry. Or take a nice hot bath and let calgon take me away. BUT I can't even take a normal shower! Oh no. It's a whores bath in the sink today. SEXY!

So, I am really hoping I can get a workout in this evening and not be as huge as I feel for tomorrow's weigh in.

That's my sob story for the weekend.


Thursday, January 10, 2013

It's a new year!

So, a brief recap of our Christmas: It was wonderful! Part of the reason I haven't blogged in a month is that I have been overwhelmed with what pictures to post and what stories to share about Christmas. I decided to scrap all that and just sum it up and then start with where I am today, on Jan 10th, 2013

Christmas was so great. We had a quiet day at home. In the afternoon Brett's parents, siblings and our friend and her son came to join us. We had more presents and food and a lovely time.

New Years: AWESOME. We went bowling with another family that we've become good friends with. It was such a blast. We bowled and then went for ice cream. I don't even try to stay up until midnight anymore. Maybe next year :)


The past few weeks, I've done lots of reflecting about my "getting fit" journey. I am on the right track. I've pushed past 3 miles in my runs and am slowly working up to 4 miles. I have understood that I really need to get my diet in line in order to really start shedding some lbs. I think by the end of my last boot camp, I kind of had it figured out, and now I am going full force. I have never been one to "eat clean." I like to eat healty: I have a bowl of cereal (something like Special K or Wheaties), or granola and yogurt for breakfast. For lunch I have a salad: greens, a piece of boiled chicken, shredded, assorted veggies and some italian dressing. If I am still hungry after that, a piece of cheese. For my dinner, I am eating the same thing as my family. I refuse to cook 2 meals. I take the recipy, and on the advice of another blogger, I skinny them up: low sugars, low calorie, low fat. Things like that. The past 2 weeks have proven successful.

I missed the first night of bootcamp on Tuesday. I had to go get a filling refilled at the dentist. Boo hoo. I much rather would have been getting my ass handed to me in bootcamp then a tooth drilled. But I am ready to go for next week.

Each workout is trial and error. I am still trying to find what works the best for me, now, at this age and in the shape that I am in. What worked for me 5 or 10 years ago isn't now, so I am making the necessary changes.

At the gym I have an hour 3 days a week, a little longer on the weekends if I get up early and go. I have a hard time sacrificing family time, so I sneak it in where I can. I know for sure that I want to start getting in 35-40 minutes of cardio, but then that leaves me with 20 minutes for weights. Both are equally important. So, I juggle and find the balance. 35 minutes of cardio, 30 min of weight? a long run 1 day a week? 40 minutes cardio 20 minutes abs? Its all a process. And I am grateful to the blogging community because I have found a handful of very useful blogs that are encouraging, and have workouts already written out. I sure take them and use them :)

Goals for 2013:

I want to get in half marathon shape, I don't know if I want to pay and run one. I am feeling a little anti-organized running right now, but that could change.
I have 25 lbs to drop, and I'd love to do it by my birthday.
Blog more.
Lotsa family and fun time.
Oh, and.... school....

Until next time :)